PG: Well, well, well, well, it’s a great day over here in California, and I just wanted to welcome you to my new episode of “The Grass is Greener” with Paul Greene. I have a really special guest today. She is the magnificent, spicy, feisty, not-afraid-to-say-whatever-she’s-feeling-at-any-time…she is also my bride. We are engaged.

She is my baby, my momma baby-on-the-way. And her name is Kate Austin, and she is the founder of the Freedom Alchemist. She is a certified NLP coach in this sort of five strategic intervention coach. She is a very well-accomplished actress from the country of Australia. She has won my heart and she is wise beyond her years.

She’s helped many, many, many, many, many people identify sabotaging, limiting beliefs and things from their past that no longer need to be there to get them out of the way so they can create something new and magical with their life. So she’s my guest on this incredible conversation that we have about soulmates.

Are they real? Is there one? Is it a joke? Is Kate Austin my soulmate? You’re going to find this out and much, much, much, much, much more. Coming up right next, right here on “The Grass is Greener” with Paul Greene. So please subscribe and turn on your notifications and all that good jazz.

And I just want to thank my sponsors:

Byte Smile. They have helped make my mouth less crowded and make some room for my big, beautiful teeth to make a big, nice, shiny, happy smile. You can get a discount, and it’s a really affordable way to get your own mouth straight and less crowdy. There’ll be some links in the show notes for that.

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And also, of course, Thrive Market. You can get really beautiful, healthy, really delicious food shipped to your house at a huge discount compared to like Whole Foods or any of the fancy organics. So this really helps if you’re on a budget. Thrive will deliver to your door and they have such a great variety. They’re a zero-waste company, and they’re committed to making a big difference for the planet. And you’ll find some really great goodies there. Some alternatives to your junk food, things that you can snack on, but aren’t going to make you feel like crap. So I love Thrive Market. There’ll also be my code in the bio. I think that’s it. For now.

So stay tuned as I welcome Kate Austin into the Greene Room here where the grass is greener where you water it. And thank you for being here. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Enjoy our conversation and we’ll catch you on the other side. Bye for now.

PG: Welcome everybody to a very special edition of “The Grass is Greener” with Paul Greene. I’m your host, Paul Greene and my guest today is the incomparable Freedom Alchemist herself, Kate Austin, Kate, how you doing?

KA: Doing very well, Paul Greene

PG: All this time here in our house, and this is my first time having you on the podcast. It’s about time.,I think. I think we’ve got some really good things to talk to you about today. Kate is a Freedom Alchemist, which means…you want to explain a little bit. So you’ve developed this business called Freedom Alchemist which some of our viewers will know who you are.

Um, Kate is my fiance and baby mama as well. We have, uh, a little one on the way for Thanksgiving. So what I love to bring on to my podcast is think really interesting thinkers. People who think outside the box, highly successful people who also like, are able to share with you some of their tools and some of their experiences and what helps them live a life they love. That’s one of the things that attracted me to Kate. Austin was her incredible zest for life and your positivity. And I think that’s why we get along really well Is we both kind of wake up on the good side of the rock and living a life that you love is something yeah. I’m committed to sharing with you.

So Kate and I are going to be sharing just a few of the tools that makes Kate’s…Kate’s also an NLP Practitioner and a strong strategic intervention coach,  trained at the Tony Robbins Academy and some other good things about you. Why don’t you let them know who you are? I know who you are for me, which is love, but, but you want to share?

KA: Yeah, well, a little bit, um, as your earlier question is what is, you know, what is the Freedom Alchemists really about? And, um, similarly to Paul, freedom is my MO in life. Yes, it drives everything. Um, every decision, every thought, everything I want to do is all based around freedom. Now, some people that is different. It’s comfort or security or things like that, but we really, um, bonded over this mutual love of freedom.

And I really noticed a few years ago there was a lot of anger or people feeling left behind in the world and really feeling a lack of freedom, a lack of choice. And, uh, that’s what inspired me to create the Freedom Alchemist. And what a Freedom Alchemist is, is someone that can transmute something from one thing to another thing in a seemingly magical way.

So when we think about alchemy of, um, you know, Jesus turning water into wine, Or, um, you know, some of the people that turned things into gold, like stones into gold, um, that’s all that’s alchemy and it seems magic. But there is usually really something behind it that leads to it. And so, I’m truly committed that people experience what freedom is miss for them, because it’s a unique experience for every person and it’s different for every person.

So, but then they have access to it and they have choice to choose freedom every day. That’s where the Freedom Alchemist is, was born and came from. And, uh, we’re now four years in?

PG: Four years in. I just dropped the remote and I forgot to turn the fan off. We’ll just turn the fan off. It’s hot in here, but I’m going to, for the sake of sound, even doing our courses. Yes we’ve been doing our courses for–

KA: Three and a half, four years.

PG: And what you alchemize is people’s pain into purpose. Not just you, but you share them that you share with them, the tools on how to do that, how to turn their story and something that’s a power or their victim into something of powerful and, and alchemizing pain into power and purpose.

KA: Yeah, exactly. Because we all experienced pain and it’s the resistance of experiencing that pain that truly breaks our hearts. That truly has us live with this feeling of like, like everything’s hard and life is hard. And all of these things, when, when really it’s our perspective of what pain is or what these situations is or what we made something mean that happened to us. And so when we can start looking at it from new fresh eyes and new perspective really can turn our pain into a purpose or a power, either one.

PG: I just love that. Kate and I met seven years ago. And one of the big things I was struggling with was commitment at the time. And we both discovered this amazing tool, that commitment equals freedom. And I had that commitment and freedom were an opposition and that commitment was confinement. But every other area of my life commitment was freedom with my body or music or acting. The more I committed to something, the more free I got. But somehow in relationship. I had that commitment was not freedom. That commitment was confinement.

And so Kate and I have had this incredible relationship, the longest relationship I’ve been in, the best relationship I’ve been in. We’re engaged with a little baby coming and you know, there’s always this big question out there. How do you know if you’ve found your soulmate or can, you know if you’ve found your soulmate?

KA: Is there such a thing?

PG: So I’m actually really curious. What do you think?

KA: Well, I believe. Yes, absolutely. And I also believe that that might not necessarily be confined to one person. Yeah. Now that doesn’t mean there’s tons of them out there, but what it can mean is that if you find a soulmate and then that time is cut short for any time, it doesn’t mean that it’s done for you. That there’s still possibility, that there’s several people that are potentially our person.

And I think what needs to be debunked is we have the. Ideas and ideals of what a soulmate is. And it’s fed to us through Disney, through Hallmark, you know. We think, “Oh, we’re gonna, we’re just gonna know, and all the sparks will fly and there’ll be all these butterflies and fireworks.”

And we’ll just know that that is our soulmate because their energy will make it clear when it’s truly not that. Usually it is work and there it is layers of recognizing and it’s self-work because, I mean, let’s talk about us. We didn’t have that. You know, we were like, oh, we didn’t have that initial, like crazy spark.

“He’s cute!” You know? “She’s cute!” You know, it was just like, it was very casual. It was not like, “Oh my goodness, this is it!”

PG: This is my soul mate.”

KA: “This is my person.”

PG: You know, and maybe it’s like, you can create your person.

KA: You really can. It’s with, um, generous listening and it’s with, you know, really looking at your own skeletons and demons and the way you were brought up and the way you knew love to be from your parents.

And it’s really unpacking the beliefs and ideals that you have and not imposing them on someone else. Because so often when we meet someone, we throw on them all this baggage about previous relationships. If we’d been cheated on before, then we’re waiting for that person to cheat on us or we’re looking for them to mess up.

So you can be like, “Ha, you’re going to cheat on me.”

PG: Or like with you, I was projecting on you my past relationships so that you weren’t showing up as Kate, in my perspective and my projection of you. You were showing up when you would act a certain way, I’d be like, “Oh, that’s like my ex. ” And you didn’t really stand a chance because I had all this stuff between us of past relationships that I was putting on and I kept waiting for the shoe to fall.

KA: The other shoe. Like anytime I would act anything other than perfect, it would be like…

PG: That’s it, the shoe’s falling.

KA: I got to get out.

PG: Gotta get out while I can. Yeah, it’s true.

KA: And it’s also, you know, especially this is for the women. You know, when men waiver, how can you be the steady one? Like if you have to take turns in being the rock for the other person, because there’s never a time in a relationship where it’s all just easy sailing forever. More like you’re going to be easy sailing and then something will happen. And something, will waiver or someone like a fear comes up or vulnerability comes up and it reignites something. And so if you get totally rocked, if your boat gets rocked because the other person is unsteady, then that’s when the whole ship can overturn.

You have to be able to take turns in really holding the Fort and being the rock and being the one that’s like, okay, I got you. I’m allowing you to have this experience and I’m not going to project all of my fear that it’s bringing up in me because you’re having this experience. Because it’s never about you.

It’s usually about, and it, sometimes it is. You know when you’re in a relationship, but it’s usually something within themselves that they need to heal or move through. And if you don’t give that person that space to have that emotion and to have that healing, then it remains unhealed and unspoken about until this chasm forums. And then you’re more and more apart. And you’re like, how did we get here?

PG: Right, Siberia. How did we get in this land of unloving?

KA: And no communication? And repulsion. Like Paul and I early in our relationship, we, it was actually quite cute. Cause we nicknamed it Siberia when we get to the point where we were both like, “I don’t want to like, look at you, be around you.” And we’d actually say, “Oh, here we are in Siberia.” And it would cut the ice of like that feeling of grossness. And then there’ll be an access for us to sort of start looking at. How did we get to Siberia and what’s behind it? It was having this repulsion be there.

PG: Right. And so here’s what I’m, here’s what I’m hearing too is about soulmates is yes and no. Like, yes. Maybe there’s not just one. Maybe there’s more, more than one opportunity. But it sounds to me. that even if you were with your soulmate, there’s work to be done. Like, you know, we’ve had, we have found some really helpful things.

Like you touched on polarity. So David  Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man. Understanding how masculine and feminine polarity either have you to attract one another or repulse.

And then understanding the five love languages. There’s so many tools along the way that maybe this isn’t, I’m just discovering this, like yes, you can, there might be somebody that your soul is just kindred to, but there still needs to be nurtured and there’s work to be done to have your past relationships not continually be affecting.

KA: Yeah. And I think a lot of people really do a list of everything that they have to have and they try and force people into that list, but then they’re not looking at themselves and going, “Am I the greatest version of myself that wants to be in this relationship?” That’s showing up for this relationship. We’re waiting for them to be amazing first. And then we can. You know, but we’re going to keep all our walls up in our guards up. Like, and, and wait for them to mess up. And if they pass all those tests, then you might show up as yourself. Somehow it works.

PG: Right. You’re like holding them hostage.

KA: Yeah. And we, and this is what people do. You know, so many people are taught that if you have a fight with your partner, then you give them the cold shoulder and you be nasty. It’s like, When has anyone being cold shoulder and nasty to you and that’s made you want to open your heart and be beautiful with them? It just isn’t the way yet everybody does it. It’s like the unconscious way of dealing with a conflict. And then it’s like, we wonder why relationships don’t work. Well, things get things, get to a point where this so far, and you’re like, there’s no way back from them. We’ve like iced each other out.

And so every time when you get to that, you have to stop yourself and say, what do I want in this moment? Do I want to teach them a lesson or do I want them to love me? Do I want them to experience love? Right. Um, and I don’t want, do I want them to experience love? You know, so if you take it away from the “Me, me, me, me, me, and think about the, we or them, like when you put your attention away from yourself and onto them, you can make better decisions, make better choices.

PG: Quite often, we just make it so much about ourselves. And it’s like bad acting too. Like we’re both actors. And when you make it narcissistic acting or your, your feelings and your emotions as an actor, you’re not taking in the other person and in life, it’s so similar. It’s like we make are so focused on ourselves that we’re not even taking in the other person.

KA: I love this. I love this analogy because how many times have we lived out an argument or a fight or a how it was supposed to go? And then when it doesn’t go that way, we attack the other person. So we call that, um, expectations are resentments under construction.

PG: Yeah. One of our great teachers. That was her favorite. Can you pass me the water there?

KA: Yeah.

PG: One of our teachers, Jen, that was her thing is like expectations are resentments under construction. It stuck with us.

KA: Yeah. So, you know, when you plan a day and it’s supposed to be amazing and perfect, and then it doesn’t go the way you want.

Actually, I want to give an example for our, for our viewers here. Um, we were in Paris. And we had this final night and we were supposed to, you know, we were gonna get on this boat and we were going to go to restaurants and we’re going to do all these things. And then Paul was like, “I’m going to bring my guitar.”

And so in his mind, he was going to be serenading me and doing all this. But in my mind, I’m like, well, it’s like, there’s a third person, you know? How do we get on and off boats and have freedom and, and be snugly and, and be able to be connected to each other if we’re carrying a guitar the whole night?

And so instead of having this beautiful night that we both wanted the other one to experience, ’cause we had a now mind how it was going to go. We both pooped all over each other’s parade and had the worst night of our life. Shut down. The other shoe was miserable and then we didn’t do anything. The boats, we didn’t do any of the serenading. We didn’t do any of the things that either one of us wanted to. So nobody got what they wanted and everyone was miserable.

Well, the two of us were miserable and here we were in the city on our final night, ready to paint the town red. And we just, we would, we were just red-faced and miserable. So, yeah. So I wanted to give you a visceral example of how that our expectations of what we want and because of what we wanted was the same thing. We wanted to have this romantic, magical night, but our expectations were different. And so we ruined each other’s nights because nobody got their expectations. Yeah.

And how many times I want you to think about when you do that, when you imagine your husband’s going to come home and, and see that you’ve cooked and be so grateful, and this is amazing, I can’t believe I’m so lucky, but instead he comes home and he’s still thinking…you know, his day and work and he’s like exhausted and he doesn’t want to talk to you because he’s been talking all day and he just wants to know, sit in front of the TV. And so you can imagine he imagined just being able to relax and you imagine you having a romantic, beautiful dinner and everyone gets sorted and you know, and this exists, this is so many of examples like this.

And then you’re like this isn’t my soulmate because my soulmate would not do that.

PG: Right, right. Rather than just like, that’s not his love language or understanding masculine-feminine. After working in a feminine environment he wants to come home and just do nothing for a minute, which is very masculine.

And, and then understanding love languages. Like you might be wanting, you might, yours might be physical touch and you’re touching all over your husband and his, his just might be words of affirmation and you’re like, “Give me some space.” Soulmate! Soulmate!

Yeah, it’s funny. One of my movies, A Christmas Detour, the whole premise of the joke was like, when she sits down next to me like this, and she’s got, she had wrote Candace Cameron‘s character had written that, that, that, that article on is this your, you know, “Finding Your Soulmate.” And I was like, “Soulmates!” And she’s like, “What?” And it was like this whole conversation that we’re having right now. It’s like when the airplane diverted to Buffalo, but it’s such a fun conversation, soulmate, and it’s, I think it’s just, maybe there is. And, but, but when you find that person, you see, you get to keep working on yourself and creating yourself so that you show up as, as an, as a partnership.

And there’s such a big distinction between a relationship and a partnership.

KA: It really is. And I want to, I want to throw in a little bit of our history because I think this is fun as well.

PG: More history. More than Paris? Want some by the way? It’s quite wet.

KA: Sure. Water being wet. Is that an expectation?

PG: It is. It met that expectation.

KA: Um, so Paul and I actually broke up four times. We, we weren’t even together. We, we, we weren’t even saying we were together yet. We needed to break up four times. Now I think most of you would be like, “That’s not my soulmate. If we break up, that’s it.” You know? And, but the thing that, the thing that what happened was we weren’t significant about the breakups. We were both so casual. It was almost like there was so much stuff in our way that we couldn’t even see who the real person was behind it. And so that was, it was easy to be like, “Okay, well, you do you, I’ll do me. No worries.” So there was no hurt or anger or resentment thrown at the other person. That’s like, “Oh, it didn’t work out. That’s okay.” And yet we would see each other again. And we would pretend to like, be like, “Oh cool.” But somehow it ended up like gravitating to each other again.

And it was actually, I, um, I actually. A time we had broken up and we’d been apart for, I don’t know, a month or something, you’d gone to shoot a film. And, um, we felt complete. We felt complete. I wasn’t there pining over him. It was just what it was. And I went on this extraordinary date, beautiful day that was like everything, everything.

And I panicked at the afterwards, after the glow of this amazing date, I panicked. And it was almost like there was this little, I was at a traffic light and I remember it really clearly. And there was this little voice in my head that came from…who knows? An angel…who knows? Right. Um, that said, “I don’t think you’re finished with Paul. I don’t think you’re complete with Paul.” And I’m like, “Where did this come from?” I like, haven’t thought about him. Like, this is ridiculous. But it was something there that kept pulling us back together. And then once we really, um, said what we truly wanted was like, “Hey, I don’t want to be casual. I don’t want to be like, not really in this.”

Like I was like, I want to be with someone I can go away on vacations with, and, and weekends, and have fun with and just see, just see. And then he was like, “That’s what I want too.” And that was after the fourth time now, most people would be mortally offended if they broke up four times and think that there was some issue, but it’s like, sometimes these things have kinks that you have to work out.

And so the thing is, is don’t, don’t just meet someone and be like, “They’re not my person.” or it’s not that…”The chemistry isn’t right.” Or this isn’t right. That isn’t right. ‘Cause we’re all looking for what’s right. Like look up, let me try and pull out the magic in what is right about them.

PG: Is there a point when someone should get out of it? So like, like assuming everyone here is looking for love and soulmate, and if you’re in a relationship you’re, you’ve probably found our video because you want to add some depth and some richness and some extra juiciness to your relationship, which Kate, Kate and I teach a course that we have a big relationship part to it.

So Kate, is there a point where people should give up on the relationship and be like, “Okay, this is not my person.” Like, how do they know when they’re not exiting too early? Like obviously abuse physical or emotional abuse, but is there a time because you know how maybe somebody is wondering, like, “How do I know how far to keep trying?”

And like, it’s such a deadly trap. to try to wait till someone changes it. Like I, for someone’s potential, like being in a relationship or marrying somebody for their potential is an expectation that’s going to build the building of resentment.  But, but how do people know?

KA: Yeah, so that’s the thing. So, so many people, you know, stay with someone or marry someone because they can see who they get to be at their greatest. But, uh, let’s give the, an example of, uh, maybe someone that’s an addict in some way, we’re addicted to smoking addicted to alcohol, addicted, to drugs, whatever it is. But whenever they’re not doing that, they are extraordinary.

But their, their habitual nature is to keep doing it. And you believe that you can save them or that you can change them. And that is not a thing. You can’t be with someone because you believe you can change them. People have to want to change themselves. Um, so that’s, that’s something there and yes, if you are, if you have to keep renegotiating what it is that you want in this and, you know, having, having basic things like a partner that cares about you, all that shows up about shows up for you and just things like that. If you have to keep being like, “Well, I’m making excuses for them over and over and over, and there’s no change or no shifts happening when you’re having good communication,” then that is, that is like–

PG: –a red flag.

KA: And like, obviously. Anyone ever hits you. It’s just, um, you know, it’s, it’s very hard to come back from something like that. And it does grow, unfortunately. And I know some people like, you know, they’d hit rock bottom. If I left, some people need to hit rock bottom to get to the point where they’re not gonna do that.

It’s not our jobs to save people of the world, but it’s had jobs to show up and love people in a way that they get to see who they are. They get to remember who they are. And I think that is probably the best definition of if you think you found your soulmate is they help you to remember who you truly are and they bring out the magic of you.

And when you’re around them, you’re your best self, you know, and some people like they make you feel really funny or really smart, or really fabulous, you know, and I’m not saying you need to, like, that needs to be what it is.  You know, when you feel like you’re at home or at peace or there’s a calm it’s, you know, it’s very subtle. These, these things that define someone as a, as a soulmate, that’s really there.

And these people have to push you a bit. They push your buttons; they trigger you. They make you want to grow as a better person. Now, this doesn’t mean being critical and berating you. That’s different. But really pushing you so you can elevate yourself like that is something because in a great partnership, your fusion and the freedom of your fusion keeps making you both better.

And there’s periods when you’re getting better. That things feel horrible, not so great and super uncomfortable.  But it’s willing to go down that journey together and keep showing up for one another. That has, has it been. There’s going to be moments where one person’s out.

You know, one of my favorite things was I was listening to an interview when I was young of these, this couple that were in the nineties and they’d been together for 80 years. And someone said, “What’s, what’s the trick? What’s the magic trick of being loved for 80 years or being wanting to be around someone for 80 years?” And they just simply said, “We didn’t fall out of love at the same time.” And you’re going to fall out of love. You’re going to be lost over somebody else. You’re going to, you know, we’re, we’re human beings.

We get turned on and off by different things all the time, but it’s how do we come back? And how does, you know, how does that person support the other one when they’re wobbling? You know, so that you can both keep, keep coming back to that. That common goal of what, where you guys, where your vision is and what you’re creating for your lives.

PG: And then you just touched on a vision. Like we just worked with some great coaches too, around creating a relationship vision as the third pillar to your relationships. So there’s you and me. And then there’s this thing that we stand for. And this vision that creates that’s made up of our values and also of our dreams and our talents and our gifts that we want to give. And it’s like, so when. In, in, in our coaches, shared with us something that I never thought of, but compromise is actually the worst relationship advice you can give.

KA: And everyone tells you it’s the best. As long as you compromise, you’ll be okay.

PG: And that sounds terrible. That means she’s getting what she was. And I’m getting less of what I want or vice versa. And whether you feel that or not, there’s a, there’s a tiny resentment being, being, um, born and being planted.

So to create one of the ways to, if you’re trying to decide what movie to watch. And I don’t want to watch say a movie she wants to watch. And I compromise. I’m going to sit there and be like, “Oh,” even though I think I’m making her happy, which is not my job.

KA: And then I’m not going to enjoy the movie because I know he’s unhappy.

PG: So creating a vision. What have I got?

KA: A little speck?

PG: A speck? Maybe there’s a speck bird up there. Creating a vision is as almost like a mission statement or a place to go back to, like, “This is what we stand for.” Like, we stand for freedom and fun and play and making a difference for others. Whoops. And so instead of going, “Where are we going for dinner?” And I’d be like, “I don’t know, what do you want?” And it’s like, “I dunno, what do you want?” Like to, as a man, it’s really fun to be able to say, like, “Let’s go for Italian.” And, “I’m really feeling like Italian.”

And that this is in the masculine-feminine polarity. It does help with decision-making like in a woman can be in her masculine too once in a while and be like, “We’re going to go for sushi.” And then the man can relax and be like, “All right, let’s go for sushi,” rather than, “What do you want to do?” “Well, I dunno, what do you want to do?” And that becomes so unattractive and you start to repulse,

But then even another guiding ship, here is your vision. It’s like, who are you? What is our third leg on this tripod. And for a lot of people, they’ve put God as that tripod, like, “You know, we are this relationship and God is that three chords,” in the, we’ve heard of a three-strand cord can’t be broken and the tripod, but I’m asking you to even create it. And I’m inquiring like with some people, that is their vision. Like maybe God spirituality. Uh, religion feels like that third pole for them.

KA: Well, I want to say this like that. It can still be true because we have, when we imagine what God wants for us or wants us to be, there is a very clear vision. And so if you’re leaning towards like being godly or living a spiritual, godlike life, there is a vision of yourself that you’re creating in God’s image. So you can use that as a pillar and as a guide.

PG: I love that.  I never thought of it exactly like that.

KA: Right? Cause it’s like, it’s not just God and when like, “Wh, whatever he wants!” It’s like, we have an image of what he wants us to be. And that’s what guides our decisions. Now it can be God, it could be spirit. It could be universal. But we like to, like, you can have it as God…

But how does the vision, because there is a vision attached to how we really would like things to go. And so Paul does this beautiful exercise where he gets people to close their eyes, actually do it. Old men or old women.

PG: Okay. This is how to create a vision for your body…

KA: But it can be your whole life.

PG: Right. Yes. This, this came to me, actually at a Tony Robbins conference where I was sitting in a group of 5,000 people. And, and, uh, it wasn’t Tony, but it was a man who did his Sunday at UPW, which is  “Unleash the Power Within.”  And it was the fitness day. And he said, “Close your eyes. And imagine an 80-year-old man up on stage. Close your eyes. Imagine an 85-year-old man on stage…”

KA: Or a woman.

PG: “Or a woman. And what does that person look like? Are they bent hunched over? Are they tired? Are they lethargic?”

KA: Are they in a nursing home?

PG: Yes. And, and so he had everybody get their image and then he said, “Open your eyes.” And onstage was an 83-year-old man with Speedos on and he was a bodybuilding champion. Like he was like, he had a six-pack and he had big muscles. Big beautiful gray hair and, and it really hit home to us. I was like, “Wow.” Like what vision are you living into in your relationships for your physical body?

In our course that we do I’d handle the body, the vision stuff, and also just creating, uh, introducing tools for longevity and feeling great as you age. I’m 62 years old. I’m 55. I’m a little younger than that, but still, what vision are you living into and creating, creating a vision? And I’m so glad we actually landed on this because I got so much out of the Evolving Love thing from our coaches about the vision and like, what do we stand for?

KA: Yeah. And if your vision of yourself as an old person, sitting in front of the TV, like this hunched over, you know, hoping that people come to visit you and being, or being lonely or, you know what, like, if that’s your vision, because that’s how you see old people, that’s where you’re going. So it’s like, you need to be very conscious and specific about how you view older people and what they’re capable of.

I, you know, I’ve heard of a man recently and he’s nineties that just got his lawyer law degree in his nineties. I mean, is he going to go practice law? Who knows? Right. But his mind is so… and all the young loved him. He just had such an outlook on life of joy and like creation and, and, you know, people would be like, “Why would you want to do that? All that study?” But why not? He’s keeping his mind alive. You use it or you lose it. And that’s what your mind, your body, your heart, all of it. So if your heart you’re going to be lonely, you’re going to be shut off. Yeah. You might be safe, but are you going to enjoy it?  No. So really having that vision of who you get to be as you age and that vision of you with your partner…

Now, if you don’t have a partner, this is perfect. Now we’re not talking about a Disney movie. We’re not talking about all the sparkles and this, you know, and everything like Hallmark, you know, Hallmark, everything falls into place perfectly. Life is messy and unpredictable, but if you are steady in who you get to be for the other person you get to be for you, that’s when things can really open up and evolve for you.

Now we also have an amazing tool for people that are in a relationship or that are coming into a relationship that can help with really hashing out these Incongruencies with things that don’t work. Now, the, the number one thing that cuts us off from having the love that we want is when we start to…when we withhold our love, or we don’t tell them that something they do, like, you know, it really bugs us a lot or somethings like, and we call it the 3% rule. So they might be 97% amazing. But this 3% it’s like really gets my goat or it really is really like, “Oh, I hate that part of them.” Well, that makes me feel uncomfortable or whatever that is. But then we like, it’s just 3%. I’ll just take it.

And then, but that 3% then grows to 4%, 5%, 10% 20, you know, and over a space of time, that’s 3% has become the 97%. And you no longer can see what was good about them. And so it festers.

PG: Right. You begin to focus on what you don’t like, rather than focusing on what you do like. It’s like just flips upside down. And the 3% rule, you can introduce that in your relationship and be like, “I have a 3%.” And when I share it with her, she gets excited.

And then you can use the tool, “A part of me feels…” Like 3%, “A little part of me feels that you don’t appreciate when I clean up the dishes.” or, and those are the little things that can make your soulmate feel like this isn’t my person over time. It turns into a bitter root judgment. And before you know it, you’re in the weeds and know.

KA: And it’s, it’s also, you know, based on sometimes it’s like, from my perspective, so you can use “a part of me” or “from my perspective,” because it’s your perspective. We think our perspectives everybody has, but everybody has their own lens. Right? So they, when let’s, for example, if he shares “from my perspective” or “a part of me feels that you’re judging this…” Then, uh, then I can like, and then it’s your job when someone says, “I have a 3% to share,” center yourself and be available to them, hear what they have to say without having to defend yourself without having to protect yourself, just listening to what they have to say.

Now it might hurt, or it might feel like you need to defend yourself. But the object of business is to not do that to really just listen and then to say, “Okay, you know, I hear that.” And then just say, and then you can, “From my perspective, when you think I’m being judgemental, I think you’re judging me.” And that turns us into like this resistance or, you know, so you get to breathe in and what they’re experiencing, and then you do get to share your perspective, but it’s your perspective. Not like, “Well, you do this and that’s why I do that.” And like blaming, you know, the minute you say “you,” like forcing them that they are a certain way because that’s how they show up for you. Then they have nowhere to go, but to defend and protect themselves.

And so I, you know, I’m, I have been trained in being with really tough things. So it’s, but it’s a muscle, right. I wasn’t always that way. So I’ve learned how to be that way. And I, you know, for me, I know when he wants to share something that’s upsetting him. All I can see is on the other side of this is more love is more connection. And if I can really be with it and hear him and have him feel heard and seen and loved in the space of vulnerability. Then that opens up a whole new world for me. And that I’m always standing on that side of the things, you know, when we’re having a really rough time, anytime, even personally..

You know, when, you know, life keeps throwing things at you and it’s like, “Oh my God, I’ve been punched again! I’ve been punched!” You know, people say it happens in threes and all of this, when things get really rough. I really laugh because I’m like, “There is going to be something real good on the other side of this. I just don’t know when it’s going to come.” And if I shift my perspective that way, then things ease up rather than getting into the pain or the sorrow of whatever’s happening in the moment, you know, because whenever we have a massive breakdown in relationship or personal, there’s always a breakthrough to be had. You just have to be looking for that breakthrough, looking for the lesson that you’re being taught rather than like being absorbed by the pain that, that you’re surrounded in.

PG: You can’t have a breakthrough without a breakdown. You can’t, it’s the only way, the only way out is through. And you really need to, you know, and that’s, you know, that’s what I love about our relationship is we’re constantly discovering sort of new, new things and new forms of communication. And you’re never just happy with us being good. Like you want us to be fricking amazing and crackling and you know, the, the soulmate feeling and the sparks has actually just grown into it. It’s not like one day I was like, “She’s my soul mate.” It’s literally like, uh, looking back over seven years and going, “Ah, this is my person.” This, she really, she knows how to make my coffee. She knows the little things that when, if I’m frantically trying to find a mixer, she’ll know how to just be like, and it’s okay. Even though you can’t find your mixer, you love and accept it all.

You have all these fun tools, but I just want to wrap this up and I want, so this, so this is a great conversation.

If you’re looking for your soulmate, what I’m really hearing from you is you get to create yourself and create the other in a way that you will have the experience of that yumminess, of what that feeling is. And, and, and for somebody who’s lost someone, it doesn’t mean that that was your only person. You can create the other to be your soulmate and not to settle, from what I’m hearing from. You say, don’t settle for fine. That’s like the ultimate F-word. Like don’t settle for fine. Like  you can have an extraordinary love and life that you love and body that you love. And it just takes you being, um, curious enough to discover some tools.

And we do offer a bunch of like, if you, yeah, there’ll be a link description. If you want to check, we do have some free videos. You can, this isn’t meant to be a plug for our show, but put yourself in the work somehow.

KA: Yeah. Read. Like read books around self-discovery that make you curious.

PG: Yeah, around relationships and around your body, like around finance. Like get curious and turned on in life. And we offer a course that shares a variety of love and connection. And, and she does a mind strategy and I do physical body strategy. And we’re an ongoing course of we’re actually up to two and a half months left. We wrap up when?

KA: Uh, in September, the 22nd of September is the last one. Maybe you want to get in as early as you can.

PG: As early as you can so you can get as much to the whole course where you can go back and look at every single tool that we’ve shared. Um, but like I said, if you don’t do our course, then just please…pick up a really good book on relationships or search YouTube videos.

But if you have an area in your life, that’s not working…

KA: Don’t blame others for it.

PG: Just do the work.

KA: Get curious. Get in discovery. Be your own Sherlock Holmes because happiness is created within; it’s not external. What other people can give us. You know, there’s incarcerated people that are the most beautiful, happy people in the world.

PG: Yeah. Like Nelson Mandela.

KA: Yeah so it’s not that they have something magical; it’s that they are willing to be curious in the face of all adversity. Well, that’s what makes an extraordinary person.

PG: That’s right. There’s curiosity. I love this conversation about soulmates, because I actually didn’t know where you were going to go. I was like, “Do you believe in soulmates?” But I hope you really got something out of this. You can follow Kate. On Instagram, it’s at Katie, Kate Austin, alchemist’s Kate Austin Alchemist. And then we have the Freedom Alchemist YouTube, where this video will be as well on paulgreene.com. You can find all about how to get into our course, if you would like to join us for that.

And I’m on paulgreeneofficial everywhere. If you want to follow me and anything else you want them left with?

KA: Um, You know, over time, Paula and I fall more and more and more deeply in love. And it’s usually because we focus on all the gratitude that we have. You know, we don’t sit there very early in our relationship, I decided, I played a game because relationships hadn’t necessarily gone the way that I wanted them to go. So I played a game with myself and I said, “I’m going to do the opposite thing that I want to do and see how that goes.”

PG: That you’ve done in the past.

KA: That I’ve done it in the past.

PG: Opposite to what you’ve done.

KA: So there was one argument we had in the kitchen and Paul was being like, “Oh, I don’t like how you did this. And you do this.” And I felt that rise of wanting to protect and defend and run. For myself. And instead, I leaned into the pain and I sort of said it to him, like I was protecting and defending myself in a raised voice. Like I was like, “Well, man, there’s nothing that I would change about you.” And it disrupted something like his neurological mind, like, “Whoa, what?” And, you know, there’s something Paul says to me, so often these days, “There is nothing I would change about you.” And we, we do that. We really just like any little things that might be a problem.

It’s like, ah, there’s so much, he’s wonderful at that we focus on all the gratitude and all the greatness of each other. And so then w feel great around each other and we keep infusing love and it’s like, it’s such a fine line. So early in relationships, when we start nitpicking, and to cut that off very early is an essential tool to really having someone grow into your soulmate, growing into your soulmate.

PG: That’s what it is. And at the beginning of your relationship with you’re all hot and bothered, all you see is the magic and everything that’s good about this person. And then slowly as time goes on, you start to, because you’re focused on that, as time goes on, you start to focus on, “Oh, they didn’t pick up their socks.” “Oh, they left the dirty dishes in the sink.” “Oh, they don’t make their bed.” And slowly you start to focus on all the things that you don’t like about them and all those beautiful things that you did like about them are probably still there, but you’re not focusing on them.

KA: And that’s why they call it a honeymoon like “The honeymoon’s over and so it’s shitty from here.” And that’s, that’s just simply not true because our honeymoon is more and more as we grow.

PG: Yeah, and we’re only seven years in, but it’s like, we’ve, I’m sure some of you watching have been married and are together for, uh, you know, decades and decades. So it’s just, it’s just, just whatever it is in relationship your body or your finances just, it’s so important to do the work.

KA: Yeah. And we have so many, um, people that are in our programs that would be just getting through life with their husband, just survive their relationships. And now they’ve rebuilt, love, they’ve rebuilt connection and it is possible for everyone, everyone. So yeah, anything’s possible. And just like, and knowing the tools and, and using the tools and being cognizant and being curious and in discovery. That’s good. Yeah. It’s going to set you free and have you show up as your soulmate for you so you can show up as your soulmate for someone else.

PG: That was beautiful. Well, thank you so much for being here.

KA: Thank you for having me, Paul Greene.

PG: Yes, it’s hard to get your booking with your busy schedule.

But please subscribe here to “The Grass Is Greener” because there’s folks listening on audio on my podcast. You can go subscribe there and please give it a rating while you’re there. I’m also here on YouTube or wherever you’re watching this. If you could subscribe and leave a great comment, that would be. amazing. So until next time, remember to be kind and gentle and tender and loving towards yourself in your thoughts on purpose. And that fear is just when love is missing. So I love you and we’ll catch you real soon.

PG: Thank you so much for joining me on this conversation with Kate Austin. Hope you enjoyed it. I hope that you had a really great time. If you liked this conversation and you want to hear more, just subscribe, and if you could leave me a five-star review and the little bit of a something you liked about it, that would be amazing.

If you could share it, that would be super. Epic and yeah. So thank you so much for being here. There’s more to come. There’s plenty, more podcasts on here, actors. I’ve got some really exciting guests coming up. I’ve been busy. And so it’s been a couple of weeks since I put this out, but fret not.

Yeah, I’m in the saddle. I got Danica McKellar coming up next. I got Justin Baldoni coming. I got Travis Van Winkle coming around the corner. Paul Campbell is going to be coming around here. I haven’t asked him yet, but I’m sure he’ll say “yes.” We did Two Pauls On A Podcast before, so I think it’s time to have him on, don’t you think?

Thank you for being here. And even though I just said it, be kind and tender and gentle and loving towards yourself and your thoughts on purpose.

Yeah. And the video for this will be on my YouTube channel next week. And that’s paulgreeneofficial on YouTube. Stop on by, for cracking ice. We’ve got concerts Friday nights, six o’clock live. I play some guitar on Sundays. I go live on the Facebook for now. Okay. That’s it for now. A beautiful, beautiful moment.

Enjoy. Drink it up. Give this present moment all of your focus. There’s so much richness and beauty and power in this present moment. And there’s really nothing wrong in this moment. So enjoy. All right, till next time, stay classy…

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